Funnies

These are some of my favorites from Reader's Digest:

Every so often I'd challenge a father visiting his newborn in the nursery, where I was a nurse, to guess his baby's weight. Few even came close, but one dad picked up his son, hefted him in his hands, and gave me the precise weight, right down to the ounces. "That was amazing," I told him. "Not really," he replied. "I do this all the time. I'm a butcher." -- "All In a Day's Work" by Nola Faria

A DISTRAUGHT PATIENT phoned her doctor's office. Was it true, the woman wanted to know, that the medication the doctor had prescribed was for the rest of her life? She was told that it was. There was a moment of silence before the woman continued, "I'm wondering, then, just how serious my condition is. This prescription is marked 'no refills'."

A VICIOUS BITE from one of his prize-winning show rabbits sent my 15-year-old son to the emergency room. The doctor and attendants who cleaned the wound and bandaged his hand were clearly amused about how he got the injury. As we were leaving the ER, they handed us a sheaf of papers that included a prescription for antibiotics, a wound-care information sheet and a recipe for rabbit stew. --"Life In These United States" by Jim Lord

MY DINNER PARTY was headed for disaster. One man, an insurance salesman, was monopolizing the conversation with a lengthy account of recent litigation involving himself. Since two other guests were lawyers, I was becoming increasingly uneasy. "In the end," the salesman concluded, "you know who got all the money." I cringed. "The lawyers!" he shouted. There was embarrassed silence at the table. My heart was pounding until the wife of one lawyers said, "Oh, I love a story with a happy ending." --"Life In These United States" by Jane Ghegan.

It had been a nerve-racking experience for my attorney husband. He was working with the FBI on a federal sting operation. Worried for his safety, they put him under protective surveillance. Finally the FBI told him they had rounded up all the criminals and were lifting the surveillance. A few days later my relieved spouse was on the phone, telling his brother about the whole adventure. "Did you happen to mention to the FBI that you have an identical twin?" his horrified brother interrupted. "Who lives next door?" --Contributed to "Life in These United States" by J. D.